About Last Year
by paulmcuk
Summary: At lunch it seems the most difficult decision Natlie has to make is whether to have mayo on her sandwich. Then Dan tells her what the guys were talking about in the bathroom. Now she has another decision to make - and we're not talking sandwich fillings.


Authors note: This story is a follow up to my stories "Guy Talk", "Empty Orchestra" and, to a lesser extent, "Girl Talk". It would help if you read them first.  
  


"Here's your sandwich" said Dan putting it in front of here. The sandwich bar was pretty quiet (because of their work schedules they hardly ever had lunch at the same time as the rest of the city) and they had managed to find a secluded table where they could talk in private..

"Thanks." Natalie looked inside her sandwich. "Is there mayo on this?"

"Yeah."

"I didn't want mayo."

"Did you say you didn't want mayo?"

"No."

"Well that explains it. It's my fault. I have my psychic powers switched off today to save on batteries."

"It's not a problem. I can handle mayo."

"I thought you liked it."

"I do. I just wasn't in the mood for it today."

"Here" said Dan, "have mine. It's the same as your's except in one crucial aspect."

"No mayo?"

"You got it."

"But you don't like mayo."

"I'll learn. Give me the sandwich."

"Are you sure?"

"I'm sure. Give me the sandwich."

"I can't make you eat it if you don't like it."

"Just shut up and give me the damn sandwich."

She gave him the sandwich.

"Ok" she said when they were settled. "Dish the dirt."

"The dirt?"

"On what you guys were talking about earlier. The stuff you thought I should know but might not want to hear."

"Oh that. Well I'm not sure if I should tell you."

"If I should know then you should tell me."

"But you might not want to hear it."

"You already told me that. I'll risk it."

"I'm serious. It could upset you."

"Oh God. Jeremy IS having an affair."

"Natalie I told you. Jeremy is not having an affair."

"Does he have six months to live?"

"No!"

"Do YOU have six months to live?"

"Of course not."

"You see? My imagination is already creating things ten times worse than it probably is."

"So?"

"So telling me is the only way to put my mind at rest."

Dan sighed. "Ok I'll tell you."

"I'm all ears."

He opened his mouth but nothing came out. "I....don't really know how to start."

"Just start at the very beginning" sang Natalie. "It's a very good place to start."

Dan grinned. "You're not helping you know."

"Well quit with all the cloak and dagger stuff. This is me remember? Your friend? Whatever it is, you can tell me."

"I know that. But it's still hard."

Natalie became serious. "You're starting to worry me now Dan. Save the details, just tell me what it's about."

He took a deep breath. "Well I guess it's sort of about last year."

"Last year? All of it or just a bit of it?"

"A bit of it."

"That narrows it down. Which bit?"

"The bit where we slept together." It was the first time either of them had referred to it since the morning after it had happened.

"Oh" said Natalie. "That bit."

"Yes. That bit."

"I thought we'd agreed to forget it."

"Not really. We agreed not to let it affect our friendship. We agreed to put it behind us. But we didn't agree to forget it. I never wanted to forget it."

"Ok. I didn't mean it to sound like that. But why has the incident surfaced now?"

"Don't call it an incident. You make it sound like we did something wrong."

"Sorry. Why has the wonderful, but never to be repeated, event surfaced now?"

"You're being facetious."

"You're being evasive. What has that night got to do with what you guys were talking about in the bathroom?"

She already suspected the answer but Dan confirmed it. "I....sort of told Casey what happened."

"You told Casey?"

Dan just nodded.

"I can't believe it. Why would you tell him? Was it like the anniversary or something? Did you want to mark the occasion by telling the whole world?"

"It wasn't anything like that. It just...slipped out. And I only told Casey."

"Only Casey. Well I suppose that's something...." A sudden thought struck her. "Hang on. There were five of you in there. What were the others doing while you were baring your soul to Casey?"

"I told him before the others came in."

"Oh. Ok. That's better."

"Except...."

"Except what?"

"Casey sort of told Isaac."

"What?"

"It was only Isaac. He won't say anything to anyone."

"Maybe. But did Casey tell Jeremy?"

"Of course not."

"Thank God for small mercies. So it's just Casey and Isaac that know?"

"Yes."

"Ok."

"And maybe Elliot."

Natalie raised her eyes skyward. "How much worse is this going to get?" she asked the ceiling. She looked back at Dan. "Maybe Elliot. You're not sure?"

"No. I didn't hear anyone tell him but afterwards he gave me some funny looks. I think he knows."

"Christ Dan. You know what a blabbermouth Elliot is. Has he told anyone else?"

"I think he may have told Kim."

"You think?"

"Yeah. I saw them talking as we were leaving for lunch. They seemed to find us going together to be amusing."

Dan was expecting further outrage from Natalie but she was strangely silent.

"Did you hear?" he asked. "I'm pretty sure Kim knows."

"Kim does know" said Natalie.

"Really? How come you're so sure?"

"Because I told her."

It took Dan a few moments to register what she had said.

"YOU told her?"

Natalie nodded.

"When?"

"A few weeks ago. When we had our little wine‑tasting in the bathroom."

Dan recalled the incident. "But...you were ALL there. Dana, Sally...even Rebecca!"

"I know."

"So they all know? You told all of them?"

"They all know."

"You let me sit here squirming over the fact that I'd told one person when you had happily revealed all to four?"

"It's different."

"How so?"

"Because none of the people I told are likely to let it slip to Jeremy."

"And Casey and Elliot would?"

Natalie just looked at him.

"Ok" admitted Dan. "They might just let it slip after a few beers."

"Exactly" said Natalie. "But what I don't understand is why you said anything at all."

"well" said Dan, "that's sort of the real reason we're here."

"The REAL reason?"

"Yes."

"There's a reason other than the fact that everyone knows about last year?"

"Yes."

"Is it bigger than the fact that everyone knows about last year?"

"It is to me."

Natalie whistled. "Then I guess you'd better tell me."

"I'm not sure I can."

"Don't start that again Dan. Just tell me. Why did you feel it necessary to tell Casey about last year."

"It was the only way I could explain something to him."

"Explain what? Technique? If I remember, you used mostly traditional methods."

Dan laughed. "Will you stop? This is serious."

"Ok, sorry. I'm serious now. Carry on."

"I was trying to explain to him that we had some...history."

"History? Why would Casey need to know about our history?"

Dan steeled himself, took a deep breath, and let the words out. "Because he couldn't understand why I was suddenly saying I was in love with you."

Natalie struggled for words. "Say again."

"I'm in love with you Natalie."

"No you're not."

"I am."

"You're not."

"Trust me on this Natalie."

"But....why?"

"Why?" Dan decided he had nothing to lose." Because you're beautiful, intelligent, funny and all‑round wonderful."

"Stop it Dan" said Natalie but couldn't stop herself from smiling.

"I can't stop it Natalie. If I could stop it I wouldn't have had to tell Casey."

"But if you feel that way, why did you never say anything before?"

"I didn't know. It just sort of crept up on me. We were going along as normal and then, suddenly, it hit me."

"When?"

"It's hard to say for sure. A few months ago I guess."

"And you still didn't say anything?"

"How could I? You were dating Jeremy. I thought the best thing was to just back off."

"Ok. But I'm still dating Jeremy in case you hadn't noticed."

"Believe me I noticed."

"So what's changed? What's made you decide to stop backing off?"

"I guess things just came to a head."

"In what way?"

"I can't tell you. It's not fair."

"Not fair on who? It's not fair on me to announce you love me and not tell me what made you say it."

"It's difficult."

"I can see that. Does Casey know? And the others?"

"Yes."

"But you can't tell me?"

"Believe me Natalie I would if I could."

"I could ask Casey."

"He won't tell you."

"I could ask Elliot."

Dan said nothing.

"He'll tell me Dan. You know he will. Don't you think it would be better coming from you?"

Dan gave up. "Ok. Here it is. The fact is that Jeremy is going to ask you to marry him. He told me but I couldn't handle it and when Casey asked me why I couldn't handle it I told him it was because I was in love with you."

Dan sat back in his chair. "So that's it. Now you know."

Natalie just stared at him.

"Do you want me to leave?" he asked.

Natalie managed to shake her head just slightly.

Dan decided to explain a little more. "So, once I knew he was going to propose, I just had to say something."

"Propose?" asked Natalie.

"Yeah."

"Are you sure?"

"He showed me the ring."

Natalie was silent again.

"It was a really nice ring" said Dan.

Natalie rubbed her temples. "I can't think straight."

"I'm sorry Natalie. I didn't mean to cause you any pain."

"The only way to avoid it would have been to say nothing."

"I know. But I couldn't do that. While you were just dating it was ok. I could handle it. But the thought of you being married. The finality of it. I would never be able to live with myself if I hadn't told you how I felt."

"Marriage is hardly final these days" said Natalie absently.

"You know what I mean. It's different. While you were just dating, not even living together, there's was always a chance that you might fall out and break up."

"And you would be there to pick up the pieces?"

"Sort of. But once you were married it would be different. Breaking up would be harder to do. And I know that if you got married you would take it very seriously ‑ fight for it."

Natalie rubbed her eyes then looked at him again. "Ok" she said. "You've told me why you said what you said. But I don't know what you expect to happen next. What do you expect me to do about it?"

"I don't know. I guess I was hoping that you might feel the same way."

"I'm sorry Dan. I care for you so much. But I love Jeremy and you can't think that I'll just dismiss my relationship with him just like that.

Dan looked into her eyes. "No I don't think that. I just wanted you to know how I felt. To maybe give you the chance to re‑examine your feelings for me. To know that you had a choice ‑ even if Jeremy was the one you chose."

Natalie looked as if she was about to say one thing then changed her mind. "I need time to think" she said.

"I understand."

"I'm not saying that I feel anything other than close friendship for you Dan. I want you to understand that."

"I do."

"But too much has happened to quickly for me to make any quick decisions. There's so many mixed emotions. I need to get my head round everything. Need to think things through."

"That's the best thing" agreed Dan.

Natalie stood up. "I can't go back to work. My head is a mess. I'm going to go home and try and sort my feelings out."

"What shall I tell Dana?"

"Whatever you like. Tell her I'm ill."

"Ok." Before she could leave he reached over and took her hand.

"Dan, please."

"Just give me a moment" he said. "I just want to tell you I love you. This isn't a joke or a crush. It's real. I really love you Natalie. That won't change whatever you decide. But your happiness is more important than mine and if you decide that Jeremy is the man to make to happy, then I'll support you all the way."

Natalie squeezed his hand tightly.

"Thanks Dan." And she left.

Dan returned to the station and told Dana that Natalie had gone home because she wasn't feeling well. He figured that was close enough to the truth. He went to his office and tried to get on with his work but his mind was in a turmoil and he couldn't concentrate. Casey was busy with something and barely registered his friend's return. A few minutes later Jeremy came in.

"Dan. What's this I hear about Natalie?"

"What about her?"

"Dana says she's not well and has gone home."

"Yeah. That's right. She started feeling a little funny over lunch so she decided to go straight home."

"Is it serious?"

Dan shook his head. "No. Nothing life‑threatening."

"Maybe I should go and see her."

"I don't think there is any need Jeremy. Like I said, it's nothing serious. She just needs a little peace and quiet."

"But I was going to propose to her today. At lunch in fact until she decided to go off with you."

"Sorry. Lunch was her suggestion. I didn't know you were planning to ask her then."

"I could go and ask her now."

"I really think you should wait. Maybe go over after work. Or leave it till tomorrow?"

"No I'll go over now. I'll ask Dana if I can have the rest of the day off."

"She won't be happy. She's already one person down with Natalie gone."

"It'll be ok once I explain how important it is. I'm going to go. See you tomorrow Dan."

"Jeremy I..." began Dan. But Jeremy was already out of the office.

Casey had been quietly listening to the conversation.

"What have you done Dan?"

"What are you talking about?"

"Do you have anything to do with Natalie's sudden illness?"

Dan said nothing.

"She's not ill at all is she? I notice you carefully avoided actually saying she was."

"So?"

"So you said she needed peace and quiet. Why would that be I wonder? Maybe because she has something important to think about?"

"Maybe she has."

"You told her?"

"I told her."

"And?"

"And she was surprised. Shocked even. Just as you would expect."

"But?"

"But she didn't laugh in my face. She didn't say no."

"I take it she didn't say yes either."

"Of course not. I never expected her to. She said she needed time to think."

"So she went home."

"Exactly."

"Which way do you think she'll decide?"

"If I'm honest with myself, I think she'll choose Jeremy."

"Why?"

"Why not? He's the one she's in a relationship with, not me. Just because I suddenly spring my hidden feelings on her is no reason for her to dump him. I can't really think of any reason for her to choose me other than the fact that I love her. And that reason really only works from my perspective."

"But you still went ahead and told her?"

"I had to Casey. I had to know for sure."

"What if she chooses Jeremy?"

"I'll just have to learn to live with it."

"Can you?"

"I'll have no choice."

"There's living with it and living with it. There's dating other women and getting on with your life. Or there's spending your life watching her and Jeremy and getting all bitter and twisted. Which will you be?"

"I have no idea."

"Still" said Casey attempting to cheer his friend up, "she's thinking about it and that has to be a hopeful sign."

"I guess."

"Of course, Jeremy has now gone to propose to her, which could swing things in his favour."

"Thanks a lot Casey."

"Sorry."

"Anyway, Jeremy's proposal won't come as a surprise."

"You told her?"

"It slipped out."

"And yet she's still thinking about it. Maybe your chances are better than you think."

Dan spent the rest of the day on automatic pilot. With Natalie and Jeremy both away (Dana had been finally convinced by Jeremy's earnestness that he would be no use if he stayed so she might as well let him go) everyone had to do a little extra work. Dan's mind wasn't on the job and he would have made some big mistakes if Casey hadn't helped him through it. After the show Casey asked Dan if he wanted to go for a drink.

"No thanks" said Dan.

"Are you sure? It might take your mind off things."

"No. Really. I'm going to stay here a while longer."

"Still waiting for her to call?"

"What makes you think that?"

"Because you've hardly moved more than ten feet from the phone all day. And whenever it rung you snatched it up before it got to the second ring."

"I'll wait a little longer."

"Ok. Please yourself" said Casey and left.

Dan had waited, pretending to work, until everyone else had gone. The phone didn't ring. Eventually it occurred to him that if Natalie was going to call him now she would expect him to be at home. Maybe she had already called there. The thought panicked him and he quickly turned off his computer and prepared to leave. He was just reaching for his coat when he heard a voice behind him.

"You son of a bitch."

Dan didn't need to look round to know who it was. "Jeremy. Hi."

"Don't 'Hi' me you bastard."

Dan turned. "Look Jeremy. I don't think..."

"I haven't finished."

"Sorry. Please go on."

"You....you...." Jeremy gave up. His parents had been very strict about the use of foul language swearing and he had never quite got the knack. "Damn my upbringing. I haven't called you half the things I want to Dan but it's only out of respect for my mother."

Dan held up his hands. "I consider them said Jeremy."

"You're lucky I don't just smash your face in right now."

"I wouldn't blame you if you did."

"Oh you'd love that wouldn't you? Then you could tell Natalie I hit you and you know how she feels about violence."

"So don't hit me then."

"I won't. I just want to know how you could do what you've done."

"What have I done?"

"Don't play the innocent with me Dan. You know exactly what you've done."

"Do you mean fall in love with Natalie?"

"Fall in love? Is that what you call it?"

"Well what would you call it?"

"How about trying to split us up?"

"I'm not trying to split you up."

"Aren't you? So telling Natalie that she should be with you and not me was just your way of making conversation?"

"I didn't mean that. What I mean is that splitting you up wasn't my motive."

"It wasn't? Oh well that's alright then. Was preventing our marriage your motive then?"

Dan was unable to respond straight away so Jeremy continued. "I see it was."

"No it wasn't" insisted Dan.

"You mean you would still have gone to lunch with Natalie today if you didn't know I was going to propose?"

"No, I can't say that" admitted Dan. "It was knowing that that forced me to tell her how I felt. Before it was too late."

"And you took her to lunch to do it. A lunch that I was going to use to propose to her."

"Yes. Look I'm sorry about..."

"And then you came back and gave me all that rubbish about her being ill. Told me I could propose another day. Why didn't you just tell me to wait a hundred years and have done with it?"

"I was just trying to give her the time she needed to...."

"Well I suppose I should be grateful you didn't wait till the wedding day and then do a Dustin Hoffman and come bursting in in the middle of the ceremony" continued Jeremy. Then he slapped his palm against his forehead. "Oh hold on, I forgot, you would have been there anyway. You were going to be best man. And just what was going through your mind when you accepted that job Dan? Did you want to make sure you were on the spot to make an objection at the appropriate moment?"

"It wasn't like that Jeremy."

"I bet it wasn't."

"It wasn't. I was trying to bury my feelings. Accept that I couldn't have her."

"Well you didn't try very hard."

"You have no idea how I tried. It was breaking me up having to watch you two getting closer and closer over the past few months. And did you ever suspect for moment that I had any interest in Natalie? Did you?"

"No."

"Well I did have an interest. A big interest. But I kept it hidden. I thought I could go on keeping it hidden but when you came up with this marriage thing I just couldn't hold it in any more. I love her."

"Love her?" said Jeremy. "If you love her so much how come you wait till now to do anything about it? Why didn't you tell her before she started dating me?"

"I didn't really know how I felt then."

"Not even when you screwed her?"

Dan looked at him. "She told you?"

"Yes she told me. She had to really. I was a little puzzled you see. Why, I asked her, is Dan suddenly so interested. After all, I said, it's not as if you two have a history. How wrong was I?"

"It was only one night."

"That's what she said as well."

"It's true."

"One night or a hundred. You still screwed her."

"Why are you acting like this Jeremy? She wasn't cheating on you. She didn't even know you."

"She never told me though did she?"

"Oh and when would have been the best time for her to do that do you think? When you first met? On your first date? Last Tuesday? Get real Jeremy."

"You don't think I had a right to know that my girlfriend had sex with one of her closest friends. Someone she sees just about every day?"

"Not if it was before she met you, no. Or is that what's bothering you. The fact that Natalie and I have a longer history than you and she?"

"What's that got to do with anything?"

"Plenty. It means she knows me almost as well as she knows you. Maybe even better. And maybe you're thinking that that might be enough to make her break up with you."

"Don't flatter yourself Dan. She wasn't interested in you then and she isn't interested in you now. She only slept with you because she was drunk."

"She wasn't so drunk."

"She was drunk. And you screwed her and dumped her. And now you suddenly decide you love her and expect her to come running."

"I don't expect her to do anything. She does what she chooses. She always has."

"You expected her to split up with me."

"Have you split up?"

"No! And don't get your hopes up Dan because we're not going to."

"She said that?"

Jeremy was silent.

"I'll take that as a no."

"You confused her. She just needs a little time to get her head straight. She's not interested in you."

"She's interested enough to need time to think about it."

"Of course she needs to think about it. You're a good friend of hers. She's not the type to take what you said lightly. She doesn't want to hurt your feelings and feels she owes it to you to give it proper consideration." He paused for a moment. "But in the end she'll be with me. You can count on it."

"What makes you so sure?"

"Because she's my girlfriend and we're happy together. Why would she give that up for the sake of a year‑old one night stand?"

"You could be right."

"Will you stop being so bloody reasonable Dan. How the hell am I supposed to keep angry with you being so reasonable?"

"I only said you could be right."

"I am right. And don't think I don't know what you're thinking."

"What am I thinking?"

"You're thinking that she'll choose you because you're better looking."

"I'm not thinking that at all."

"Aren't you?"

"No. I think you're just expressing your own insecurity."

"Well thank you Dr Dan. I didn't know you studied psychology."

"Look Jeremy. If Natalie wasn't attracted to you she wouldn't be with you in the first place. And besides, you know as well as I do that she's not the type to be swayed by appearances. She looks a lot deeper than that."

"Of course I know that."

"So you can bet that whatever she's thinking about right now it isn't about which one of us has the nicest hair."

"What she's thinking about right now is how to break the news to you that she's not interested."

"Maybe. And if that's the case then I'll wish her a happy life, with you if she chooses. But it won't stop me loving her Jeremy. Nothing could do that. And if she does choose you, you had better make damn sure you treat her right. Because if you don't I'll be there to make you pay."

Jeremy was surprised by the harsh tone in Dan's voice which had hitherto been calm and measured. "Yeah, well, of course I'll treat her right. Because I love her too."

"Too? So you accept that I love her then?"

"Maybe." He gave a short bitter laugh. "If I'm honest it's hard for me to believe that any man in his right mind could know her and not love her. But it doesn't mean that I think you were right to do what you did. Or that I'll ever forgive you for it."

"Even if she chooses you?"

"She WILL choose me. And maybe I'll forgive you. But only for her sake."

"Fair enough."

"Ok then."

Silence descended that was broken by Dan. "Can I go home now?"

"Sure. I've said all I wanted to say."

Dan picked up his coat and headed for the exit. "Are you coming?" he asked.

"I guess so. I should go home. Natalie might call." He followed Dan out.

As they exited the building they were about to go their separate ways when Dan stopped.

"Jeremy?" he said.

"Yes?"

"Should I take it that you no longer want me to be best man?"

When Dan arrived home he found Natalie sat on the floor outside the door to his apartment. She was reading a magazine and sucking on one of her lollipops.

"Hi" said Dan.

Natalie looked up. "Hi" she said. "You took your sweet time coming home."

"Er yeah. I stayed a little late at work."

"Were you busy? I didn't leave you in the lurch when I ran off like that did I?"

"No I wasn't busy. I was just...waiting. I thought you might, you know, call or something."

"Oh right. Well I thought about it. But then I figured that what I had to say was better said in person."

"Yeah. I guess so."

There was a long pause.

"It's probably also better said inside rather than out in the hall" said Natalie.

Dan shook himself. "Of course, sorry" he said and opened his apartment door.

"Do you want a cup of coffee?" he asked as they entered.

"Do you have some this time? Or will I have to drink tea again?"

Dan smiled. "You'll never let me forget that will you?"

"Not any time soon, no."

"Well I do have coffee. I shall never run out of coffee again. My last action in life will be to make sure that I have an adequate supply of coffee."

"So you're telling me you have coffee?"

"I am. Unless you would rather have something else. Wine?"

Natalie shook her head. "Uh uh Dan. You're just trying to get me drunk. And I remember what happened last time I was in your apartment drunk."

"Curses" said Dan. "You saw through my cunning plan."

Natalie laughed. "I trust you really" she said. "But I'll stick to coffee. My thought processes are jumbled up enough at the minute without alcohol to make it worse."

"Coffee it is then" said Dan and headed for the kitchen.

"So do you want to tell me why you're here?" asked Dan as he handed Natalie her coffee.

"Why are any of us here Dan?"

"Funny. Why are you here, in my apartment, on my couch."

"Aren't I welcome?"

"You're always welcome. Even when you're avoiding the subject."

"Ok. I'm here for two reasons."

"Two?"

"Yes two. Firstly to warn you."

"Warn me? About what?"

"About the angry Jeremy that's on the loose."

"Oh. You're too late I'm afraid. He collared me at work."

"Oh God. You two didn't have a fight did you?"

"No. Well not a physical fight if that's what you mean."

"That's exactly what I meant. He was really angry with you when he left my place."

"I can't really blame him. But Jeremy's not the violent type."

"No, I guess not. Neither are you if it comes to that."

"True. Plus, we both know that throwing punches wouldn't win any merit marks with you."

"You've got that right."

"See?" said Dan smiling. "You were worrying about nothing."

"I can't help it. I was born to worry. So did you fight verbally?"

"We exchanged words, yes."

"Was there a big scene?"

"There was a scene, but no audience. Everyone else had gone home."

"Well that's something. So were there lots of cutting remarks and barbed comments?"

"The comments were cutting and the comments were barbed. And the language was foul. I had no idea Jeremy even knew such words."

"Oh dear. Was it bad?"

"No, I'm just kidding. Actually is wasn't as bad as I expected in the end. In a funny sort of way we seemed to understand each other."

"Well that's just great" said Natalie in mock disgust. "All my life I've waited to have two guys fighting over me and when I finally get my chance they just shake hands and go out for pizza."

"We didn't have pizza."

"Metaphorical pizza then."

"Whatever. I thought you would be pleased we weren't at each other's throats."

"Of course I am."

"Although" said Dan, "that was before we knew your decision. I can't vouch for what will happen when we do."

"Fisticuffs?"

"No. But there may be some hard stares and sarcastic remarks."

"Sounds rough."

"Could be."

They stared at each other. Dan was waiting for Natalie to give him her decision ‑ and she knew it. "Do you mind if I use your bathroom?" she said.

When she returned Dan had re‑filled her coffee cup. Without saying a word she took a sip. After a few moments Dan spoke. "What was the second reason?"

"Second reason?"

"For coming here. You said there were two reasons."

"The second reason was to talk about my decision."

"Have you reached one?" Dan was unable to keep the nervousness out of his voice.

Natalie shook her head. "No."

Dan was unsure what she meant. "No to me, or no you haven't decided?"

"I haven't decided."

"I don't know whether I'm relieved or disappointed."

"I'd be relieved if I could make a decision. This is tearing me apart."

"I'm sorry."

"For saying you love me? How can I complain about that?"

"But you're not sure if you feel the same."

"I'm sure I love you. But I'm not sure if it's the same type of love, or if I love you more than I love Jeremy."

"So is this my chance to convince you?"

"You can try. Jeremy tried earlier."

"I don't know what I could possibly say. You know me better than just about anyone so I don't have any secret weapons to bring out."

"You could try telling me that Jeremy isn't the man for me."

"Did he say that about me?"

"Sort of, yes."

"Well I don't think I can say the same. I wish I could. I wish I could give you a whole list of reasons why he's not the guy for you. But since you've been with Jeremy you've been happier than at any other time since I've known you. He loves you, and I don't think he'd ever do anything to hurt you."

"You're not doing a very good job of selling yourself here."

"What can I say? He's not good enough for you of course but no man is, myself included."

"Don't be ridiculous."

"It's true. You're as near to being the perfect woman as I'm ever likely to meet."

Natalie was taken aback. "That's very sweet Dan but I'm not perfect."

Dan gave her a sly grin. "I didn't say you were perfect. Just close to it."

She smiled back. "Well I'm far from it."

"Not to me."

She shook her head at him ‑ then paused to consider. She frowned. "So what's wrong with me then?"

"Nothing's wrong with you?"

"Something must be or I'd be perfect. What stops me being perfect?"

"I don't know."

"You don't know?"

"No. But I do know that nobody's perfect. My father told me that so it must be true. I just haven't found your imperfection yet."

"Maybe my inability to make a decision."

"I'm not complaining. I'm just happy to be in the running. I was worried you'd reject me out of hand."

Natalie looked at him frankly. "I almost did."

"Really?"

"Really. My first thought was that there was nothing to consider. I was with Jeremy and that was that. You were a friend and nothing more. The only reason I didn't say that at the time was that I didn't want you to think that I was dismissing you without thought."

This was news to Dan. "I had no idea. And now?"

"Now I don't know. I went home and started to think about it. I tried to imagine what it would be like to be in a relationship with you and...I suddenly became less certain."

"You like the idea?"

"Don't get cocky. Let's just say I think I could live with it."

"You don't think of me as a brother any more?" he said referring to her comments from their one night of passion.

Natalie sighed. "To tell the truth I'm not sure I ever did."

"But you said..."

"I know what I said. I just sort of....panicked."

"Panicked?"

"Yeah. I'd just had sex with one of my best friends and I didn't know how to handle it. It was sort of like suddenly discovering I was attracted to Dana."

"I'm not sure I like that analogy."

"It's a perfect analogy. Our relationship had taken a seismic shift and I had to think about you in a whole different way. I was worried we'd lose what we had so I retreated, stepped back from the brink."

"So it wasn't like making love to your brother?"

"No. It was a little weird, but not as bad as that." She looked deep into his eyes. "If you hadn't agreed with me that morning that we should back off, if you'd pushed just a little, I'd have risked it."

"We were that close?"

Natalie nodded. "You just had to say the word. Say you wanted it." She paused for a moment. "Why didn't you?"

"I wanted to" said Dan. "I really did. But I didn't want to pressure you. Like you I was worried about losing our friendship and I thought that if I pushed you you would just run away from me." He put his head in his hands. "It could turn out to be the biggest mistake of my life."

Natalie could think of nothing to say that would make him feel better so she went for something neutral. "Did you say you had some wine?"

Dan looked up. "I thought you wanted to keep a clear head?"

"I changed my mind. My thoughts are whizzing round my head like they're having their own little Indianapolis 500 in there. Maybe a little alcohol will slow them down."

"Careful" said Dan as Natalie drained her second glass of wine and held it out for another re‑fill. "You know you can't control yourself around me when you drink."

"Don't flatter yourself Dan. I was in complete control that night. Maybe my inhibitions were a little looser, but I didn't do anything I didn't want to do."

"I'm glad. I worried about that for a long time."

"Why?"

"I thought I'd taken advantage of you. And I didn't like myself for it. I guess that's another reason why I was so quick to agree that we should put it behind us."

"You would never take advantage of anyone."

"Not knowingly perhaps."

"Well knowingly or unknowingly, you didn't take advantage of me."

"Good. Actually I eventually figured that out by the fact that you still spoke to me."

"I'll always speak to you. I'll speak to you till you're sick of the sound of me. The last sound you hear on your death‑bed will be my voice."

"Good. What will you say?"

"Get up and do some work."

"You won't have changed then?"

"Why should I change? I'm almost perfect."

"Oh yes. I'd forgotten."

"Already? You'll have forgotten who I am by the time you get to your death‑bed."

"I'll never forget you" said Dan with deep sincerity. "Besides" he added with a smile, "if you decide in my favour Jeremy could be sending me to my death‑bed sooner than you think."

Natalie didn't smile.

"That was a joke" said Dan.

"I know. But you reminded me why I was here" she said.

"Oh dear. And here I was trying to make you forget."

"I can't avoid it" said Natalie.

"Do you want to leave?"

"No. I came here because I needed someone to talk to."

"I'm not exactly impartial on this subject Natalie."

"I always talk to you about this kind of stuff. Who else is there?"

"Dana?"

Natalie laughed. "Not Dana. If I had work problems, or legal problems, or financial problems, I'd go straight to Dana. But emotional advice isn't her strong point." She looked at Dan. "I'm afraid you're it."

"How can I advise you on this? I'm in too deep."

"Imagine you're not involved. Imagine I have to decide between Jeremy and someone else. Casey say."

Dan grinned. "Easy. Go with Jeremy."

"I thought Casey was your friend."

"He is. But he's not your type."

"Ok forget Casey. It's between Jeremy and Mr X. How do I decide?"

"This isn't fair Natalie."

"Oh and you declaring you loved me over a chicken sandwich just before Jeremy proposes was fair I suppose."

"Touche. But I'm still not sure what you want from me."

"How do I decide? What criteria do I use. How would YOU decide?"

"Me?"

"Sure. Suppose you were on the verge of proposing to someone, Rebecca say, and I suddenly blurted out that I loved you. What would you do."

"Try and let Rebecca down easy."

"I'm trying to be serious."

"So am I." He moved over to her and held her shoulders, looking deep into her eyes as he did so. "I've never met anyone who even comes close to you Natalie. I've been in love before, or thought I was. But my feelings weren't one tenth as strong as my feelings for you." He decided to go for broke. "This is what love is. True love. I've never felt it before and I know that never will again. I love you Natalie Hurley. I always will. And if you give me the chance, I will dedicate the rest of my life to making you happy."

They stayed like that for a few moments, unmoving.

"Wow" said Natalie eventually.

Dan removed his hands from her shoulders. Suddenly he seemed drained. "You said I wasn't doing a very good job of selling myself" he said. "Well, that was my sales pitch."

"Pretty good" admitted Natalie.

"Did I make the sale?"

Natalie paused before she spoke. "I'm sorry Dan but I still need time."

"I understand" said Dan. "I'm done now. There's nothing more I can say. If you still want my advice then all I can suggest is that you try and visualise a future with Jeremy, and a future with me. Not romantic stuff. Not dates or candlelit dinners or parties or sex. Just life. Ordinary, boring life. Mortgages, laundry, kids, college fees, that sort of thing."

Natalie smiled at him. "That's good advice. As always. I knew I'd come to the right place."

"Do you want to leave now?"

"Why do you keep trying to get rid of me? Do you have a woman hidden in the closet?"

Dan laughed. "If I did she wouldn't be too impressed after what I just said. No, I'm just trying to give you space to think."

Natalie considered. "Maybe you're right. I should be alone when I decide. It's the only way I can be sure I'm making the right choice." She picked up her coat and headed for the door. At the door she paused and kissed him lightly on the cheek. "Goodnight Dan" she said. "I want you to know that, whatever happens, I will always be your friend."

"I know" said Dan. "And whatever happens, I will always love you."

"That's nice to know" she replied. Then she left.

It was about two hours later that Dan decided to go for a run. He'd gone to bed shortly after Natalie had left but had been unable to sleep. He'd tried reading a book but couldn't concentrate on the page. He'd tried watching TV but could find nothing of interest. Then he figured that maybe a run would tire him enough to sleep. As usual he had started his exercise regime with good intentions but, as usual, he had been letting it slide. Now seemed like a good opportunity to catch up. So he changed into his running clothes and stepped out of the apartment. There sat in the hallway outside, just as she had been when he had come home earlier, was Natalie.

"Where are you going?" she said.

"I was going for a run. What are you doing here?"

"Thinking."

"In the hallway?"

"It seemed as good a place as any."

"You didn't go home?"

"No."

"Oh. Do you want to come in?"

"Yes." She paused before adding "In fact, if it's alright with you, I'd like to stay the night."

"Stay the night?" Dan didn't dare ask but Natalie saw the question in his face.

"I don't mean on the couch" she clarified.

"You've decided" said Dan. It wasn't a question.

"I've decided."

"And you've chosen me?" He had to be sure.

"Yes. You are tonight's lucky winner." The chirpiness in her voice was a little forced.

"I don't know what to say."

"You could try sounding pleased about it."

Dan sat down beside her. He was shaking his head. "I'm sorry" he said. "I'm too happy to sound happy. To want something so bad for so long, and then to get it. I guess it must be like winning the lottery, happiness just goes off the scale and you're too stunned to express it."

"So I'm the jackpot prize in a lottery now?"

"Better than that. Jackpot prizes come up every week. You're the jackpot prize in a once in a lifetime lottery."

"That's nice."

They were silent for a few moments.

"Why?" said Dan.

"Why what?"

"Why me?"

"Does it matter?"

"I'd like to know. Was it my wonderful sales pitch?"

"It helped. One of the things that I was unsure of was commitment. I knew Jeremy was committed but I had no way of judging how serious you were. But when you said all those things....well I didn't believe you would say them if they weren't true."

"I meant every word. But it wasn't just that was it?"

"No. It takes more than a few flowery words to impress me. As you'll find out over the course of our relationship."

"I hope so" said Dan loving the way the words 'our relationship' sounded when the two people involved were him and Natalie. "So what else was it?"

"Well I did what you said. I thought about the future, and how it would be with each of you."

"And?"

"And it was a close call. I know that I would be very happy married to Jeremy. Happier than most people."

"I know that too" said Dan. "It would have been much easier if he was a creep."

"It would" agreed Natalie. "But I also know that would be just as happy with you. More so in fact."

"More so?"

"Yes. I imagined life in ten or twenty years time. Life with Jeremy would be.... comfortable I suppose. We'd be happy, mature, all that stuff. He'd be there with his pipe and slippers."

"Jeremy doesn't smoke."

"A metaphorical pipe. And he already wears slippers."

"Ok."

"Anyway, the future with you in it just seemed to contain a little more spark if you can see what I mean."

"I think so. But is that all it was? You chose me because of slippers?"

Natalie sighed. "No. That was just the first stage. The next step was to examine my feelings, and I mean REALLY examine them, put them under a microscope."

"And what did you see?"

"It's sort of hard to explain. But when I examined my feelings for you, I found that I was surprised by how deep and strong they were. It was like my love for Jeremy was a mountain, and my love for you an iceberg. They looked about the same size at first but then I realised that I had only been looking at the tip of the iceberg before. There was so much more underneath." She looked away from him. "Then I did something horrible."

"What?"

"I imagined you both dead."

"Dead? Why?"

"To see how I would feel."

"That's a gruesome game."

"I know. It wasn't very nice."

"And how did you decide you would feel?"

Natalie took a deep breath. "Grief‑stricken of course. Although I guess the bottom line is that if Jeremy died I could visualise myself getting on with my life in time. I would be devastated, but I would get through it." She turned to look at him again. "But if you died Dan, I don't think I'd ever get over it. I'd just want to die with you."

"Don't say that."

"It's true. I can't imagine my life without you in it. You're more important to me than anyone. You have been for a long time, I just never realised it."

It was Dan's turn to be taken aback. "I don't know what to say."

"Say you'll never die."

"Not as long as I have you to live for."

Natalie smiled. "Good answer."

"I thought so."

Natalie was quiet for a while before she spoke again. "I'm taking quite a chance on you Dan. I mean, I'm giving up a hell of a lot."

"I know that."

"If Jeremy had asked me to marry him and you hadn't said anything, I would have said yes."

"I thought you might.".

"So you'd better be worth it mister."

"I'll try my best."

"I know you will. But now I have a problem."

"Jeremy?"

Natalie nodded. "Jeremy. How do I tell him?"

"I wish I could tell you."

"He's going to be hurt."

"Hurt? He's going to fell like someone ripped out his heart and threw it at him."

"Oh thanks Dan. That really makes me feel better."

"You've got to know Natalie. Jeremy loves you. Maybe even as much as I do. I know how I would have felt and I wasn't even dating you. From his point of view he had more to lose. Telling him will be one of the hardest things you ever have to do."

"Oh God. How am I going to do it?"

"Well I guess it helps that he knows that the possibility exists. He knows you're making a decision so you won't have to tell him cold." He paused for a moment. "In fact you probably won't have to tell him at all. Just say 'Jeremy, we need to talk', and he'll know."

"He'll still want to know why."

"Yes. I would."

"And he'll probably try to change my mind."

"I expect so. I would."

"I am not looking forward to this. I really wish there was a way I could do it without hurting him."

"There's no way to do that I'm afraid" said Dan.

"I suppose not. I'm just worried about what he might do."

"You don't think he'd....hurt himself?"

"No. He's too rational and level‑headed for that. But I think he might resign."

"You really think so?"

"I'm sure he'll consider it" said Natalie. "And I don't mean to be vain but would you have resigned if I'd chosen Jeremy?"

"I might have" admitted Dan. "It would have been hard to have to see you every day."

Natalie nodded. "I don't want Jeremy to resign. But if he's set on it, what can I do."

"He'll only do it in the first rush of anger. The thing will be to stop him doing it right away. I doubt he'd listen to either of us though. You could warn Dana and Isaac so that they can talk him out of it."

"Yeah. Maybe I'll do that."

"And what about you?"

"What about me?"

"You might feel some hurt too you know."

Natalie considered for a moment. "I hadn't thought about that" she said. "I guess I will. It's going to be like getting a divorce from someone you still love." She looked at Dan. "Because I do still love him you know. Nothing's going to change that."

"I know" said Dan. "And I'm glad. If you were able to just cast Jeremy aside then you wouldn't be the Natalie I love. I don't feel threatened by your feelings for Jeremy."

"Thanks for understanding."

"Did you think I wouldn't?"

"No. I knew you would. But I still have the problem of how to tell him."

"You want my advice?"

"Please."

"The first thing is that you have to tell him in person, not over the phone."

"Of course. I owe him that much."

"And don't do it at the station. Go over to his place first thing, before he leaves for work. That way he can call in sick, or take a few days vacation or something."

"Is that how you would have liked to hear it?"

"Liked isn't the word. But, yes, I think that that's the best way to do it."

"Ok. I'll go over first thing."

"Do you want me to come with you? We could tell him together."

Natalie shook her head. "No. I don't think Jeremy would like that."

"I could wait outside. Just in case."

"In case of what? Jeremy would never hit me. You said so yourself."

"I know that. But he'll be angry and upset. He might say some hurtful things. I want to be there in case you're upset."

She held his hand. "I'm going to be upset anyway. Thanks for the offer, but I think this is one job I have to do alone."

"If you're sure."

"I'm sure."

They sat there holding hands for a few moments.

"I was thinking" said Dan after a while.

"There's a first time for everything" said Natalie.

"Ouch" said Dan. "Such wit. Is this how our relationship is going to be? You attacking my poor ego at every opportunity."

"I see no reason to change things just because we're dating. Besides, your ego needs keeping in check now and then. You're a little to aware of how handsome, smart and funny you are."

"Do you really think that?"

"No, I'm only kidding. If anything you have the opposite problem. You don't know what a catch you are. You have women falling at your feet and just can't really believe that they are attracted to you."

"I don't have women falling at my feet."

"You do. I've seen them. I've even had to catch them as they fell."

"Stop it" said Dan.

"I'm right though aren't I?"

"Yes" admitted Dan. He laughed. "Maybe if I had more confidence I would have asked you out the day you started and spared us both all this heartache."

"I wish you had."

"Would you have said yes?"

"Damn right. Didn't you see me drooling over you while Dana was showing me around."

"No. That's another of my problems. I always miss the little signs that women send out."

"Like drooling?"

Dan nodded. "That and throwing their underwear at me." He laughed. "We even had sex and I STILL wasn't sure you liked me."

Natalie laughed too. "Well I hope you're sure now."

"I think so. But do you think I could have it in writing?"

"I don't have a pen" said Natalie. "But here's a little signal to be going on with." She leant over and kissed him. It was their first kiss since she had chosen him and they made it last a long time. Eventually they parted. "Convinced?" asked Natalie.

"Convinced" affirmed Dan.

"Good. Now you can tell me what you were thinking."

"Thinking?"

"You said you were thinking. You can't have forgotten already, it's such a rare event."

"I shall ignore your comment" said Dan loftily, "and tell you what I was thinking."

"I wish you would."

"It was about Jeremy."

"Oh. Will I like this?"

"Maybe. I was just thinking that we could offer to keep our relationship quiet for a while. Let people get used to you and he splitting up before they know that we're together."

"You would do that?"

"Sure. For a while. I don't want to hurt Jeremy either you know. I don't see myself as the winner here, with you as a trophy for me to display."

"It's a generous thought" said Natalie. "But I don't want to go skulking around. I think it's better if we're open about it from the start. Besides, by now half the building must know that Jeremy was planning to propose, that you and I slept together, AND that you had the hots for me. CSC may not be MENSA but I think people are smart enough to figure out what happened for themselves."

"Ok then. Open it is."

"But there is something we could do" said Natalie.

"What's that?"

"Just....restrain ourselves."

"Restrain ourselves?"

"At work. Let's not be too lovey dovey when Jeremy's around. It's going to be hard enough for him as it is. I don't want it to seem like we're rubbing his nose in it."

"Ok" agreed Dan. "No playing the star‑crossed young lovers while at work. I can handle that. I'm a professional."

"Professional?" said Natalie. "Casey always says you're a complete amateur."

"He does not!"

"Ok, I lied. But speaking of Casey, how do you think the others will react when they find out?"

"Shock, horror, amusement, joy. Take your pick. Some will cast us as the villains of the piece. I guess we have to be prepared for that."

"I guess. But those who matter, Casey, Dana, Isaac, will understand."

"Yes. They'll understand. Given a little time."

There was another moments silence. They were still holding hands so Dan filled the space by toying with a ring on Natalie's finger.

"Dan?" asked Natalie.

"Yes?"

"Are we going to sit outside your door for the rest of the night or are we going to go in and make up for lost time?"

"Lost time at what?"

"Getting jiggy with it."

Dan grinned. "I love it when you talk dirty."

Natalie smiled back. "You ain't heard nothing yet."

THE END


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